‘You are old, legacy site,’

The web dev said.

‘Your database is alarmingly large.’

‍

And when you go down at night

(it’s always at night)

Who’s always the sucker in charge?

‍

But when I hold out my cap:

“Next quarter. No cash.

By the way, this page looks broken.”

‍

So ignore daily fires

And the smell of burnt wires

The Director of Sales has spoken

‍

Wasn’t me who built it.

(‘twas some consultant)

I’d never’ve done it that way

‍

The hell does this do?

And what’s it point to?

Scrawled near it, dire comments from Dave...

‍

They’re hard to interpret

No clue's to the culprit

But the warning typed out, writ large:

‍

/* REMOVE AT YOUR PERIL 
DAMN THING'S GONE FERAL 
TOOK DAN AND CHERYL. DON'T TRUST HR */ 

‍

So while server fans whir

Each morning I stir

The coffee that barely sustains

‍

As the tickets pile up

I pour a fresh cup

And hope they don’t find the remains

‍

Of now-defunct lib’ries

Zero-day vulnerabilities

Unpatched since Twenty Eighteen

‍

They’ll all rue the day

When I have to say,

“Should’ve upgraded to Umbraco 13.”

Words and pictures by Chase Richards

Illustrations inspired by Mart Virkus's Arcade Rage and other works